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Tired. I think I need a break. A holiday. Sorry, what’s that? It’s my holiday now? Bloody hell.
So much to do, so little time. So much expected from me, I’m hardly having time to enjoy myself.
End of 2011 is coming. Another hectic an chaotic start to 2012 approaches. After that into Tekong Chalet I will go. Think I really need some time off.
It’s over. Finally. But now I feel empty. Where do I go from here? I have my kids to go back to. I have my driving licence to obtain. Hopefully I’ll find fulfilment in those things.
Was chatting with Ravin moments ago. We were talking about crossroads in life and subsequently we drifted to life itself. We relate life to train rides, like a colossal MRT system that goes on and on. Everyday is a journey on a train. We can’t choose where the train goes, and even the tracks followed by the train are ever-changing. However we can choose when to alight, and which train to board. We can’t control who we meet on these trains, but we can choose how we react to them. Some of them we will remember and maybe meet on another train in the future. Some of them we will never meet again. Some of them we will forget, some of them will forget us. Meeting new people. Separation. Reunions. A cycle that goes on and on. What is life? Is life about the destination that we eventually reach, or is it the journey? We eventually concluded that life is the journey, the rides that we take since ultimately our final destination would be our resting place. Hopefully when we arrived at our last terminal, we would be trading stories about the train rides that we had been on.
Right train or wrong train? Right decision or wrong decision? Or is it just decisions we made and the consequences? In the railway of life, I guess there’s no right or wrong train. Whatever train you’ve chosen to board, make the best of out your journey. Just think about having to trade stories. Make your stories as exciting as it can be yea? Make the most out of life, no matter where you are.
Well now I’ve just finished one hell of a ride. I’m sitting at a terminal, waiting for my next train. Ravin said that my next train has a ‘Strictly no hair’ policy while his has a ‘No hair policies’ whatsoever policy. Wordplay. While waiting for my next train to arrive, I might just be lazing around this terminal, looking around. You’ll never know what will you find do you? I do hope that this terminal serves good coffee though.
You know that moment when after a paper, your friend come telling you that he realises how to solve a question right at the end but didn’t had time to finish, so he lost marks? And you tried to give him a comforting smile and he told you it’s not funny? Well whatever is it, your grades would definitely be better than mine come March. So don’t cut me with those words when I’m trying to comfort you when I’m already dead inside.
Another friend of mine came up to me and said the paper was tough after the paper. And that same friend just tweeted moments ago, after solutions has somehow found its way online, that he lost a maximum of 15 marks. Like okay. Fine. You didn’t have to tell that to everyone. I know you’re happy and all but please don’t let the rest of us feel even worse.
I don’t even know why I’m so affected by it. Maybe it’s because those people are one of the small number of friends I have in SA. Maybe it’s because, hell, I don’t even know why.
Think I’ve pretty much screwed ‘A’s up. My physics is pretty much nonsense now, and I don’t even dare think about chemistry. Or economics.
Didn’t see my eye candy for the past 2 days. No silver lining then.
I’ll have to learn how to brush off comments and statements again. I probably wouldn’t want them to affect me again. Meanwhile, I’ll just try to continue smiling.
After all, Ms Su did tell me to continue smiling even when stressed cause I’ll need some element of sheer cheer [sic] to pull me through this.
I’ll continue smiling. Will you? 
Something woke me up and now I can’t fall asleep. I’m sitting in the moonlight shining into my rook right now. It’s so beautiful. The moon I really beautiful tonight.
Dad’s awake too. He can’t fall asleep either. He told me that there’s plenty of stars tonight, and he is right. Although I’m sure there would be more it’s less cloudy. It’s a beautiful night.
Lightning’s flashing again. Sleep tight people.
My parents just told me to stop worrying and not think too much about it. They just want to me try my best. I fear disappointing them with my eventual grades, but all I can do is to try my best.
It’s times like this that makes me hate myself for all the shit I’ve given to them over the past 18 plus years of my existence.
I love you, Mom and Dad.
I think I’m going mad. I’m actually feeling slightly excited for ‘A’s. Hopefully I’m not subconsciously adopting the ‘let’s see what you can do to me’ attitude towards ‘A’s. Cause we all know very well that I wouldn’t survive past round 1.
I’m trying my best to get things that has to be memorised into my head. While doing practice paper at the same time. Wish me luck on that.
So next Tuesday it is then. The start. Well without the start there will not be the end. And since I can’t wait for the end that kind of means that I can’t wait for the start. Wait that doesn’t seem right.
I’ve been looking forward to next Tuesday and dreading it at the same time. I’m pretty sure I’ll get slaughtered by the horrible trolls ( as my junior put it) over at Cambridge. But at the same time I’m looking forward to Tuesday. For some selfish reason. So ideally tomorrow is the 8th of Feb and the close will freeze at 1330. That means no ‘A’s. And I’ll most probably get what I want.
Dreams of a fool. Pardon me. P.S- study hard to everyone taking ‘A’s. All the best.
Interesting conversation I had with a couple of friends today. About life, about taking chances while you have nothing to lose.
6 years ago when we all first met in school, I never thought that I would one day be talking about such matters with them. Most of the time our conversation are about games, some music, and usually some gibberish noise that explodes from our mouths. Soccer, catching around VS, DotA, Halo, just some of the things that we always did together. But really things that are news to me just came rushing to me. From the stories you guys shared with me it seems that I’m the only one who kind of really had a crappy JC life. Such interesting stories of moments, days spent in trepidation, unable to sleep. It’s just like another gateway opened and we started seeing the adult in everyone of us. Not just the kids like how it used to be.
Take chances now when youth is still on your side. You have (almost) nothing to lose. But sometimes, even if you are willing to take the risk, you don’t have the opportunity to. Or the right time doesn’t emerge. What are you going to do about it? Look up to the heavens in despair, or make things happen? Your life, your choice.
Live life to the fullest of your abilities. To some extent it’s always better to live with more embarrassing moments than regrets.
It has been a long time, but just like the good old days, I’m on group chat with my VS brothers again. How we can just discuss about life, things that seems so overwhelming for one that is 18. That’s why I love them. (P.S –At this point of time I totally lost track of the discussion. No idea what the different views are. *Shrugs*)
A (very) close friend of mine told me and a couple others about some stuffs today. Enlightening was the discussion that ensued. But gosh. Whatever he did, I doubt I will ever be able to do. And how he opened up fully to us, it made me treasure this friendship even more, if that is even possible.
I really enjoy talking with my VS brothers. We can talk about anything under the sun, from dreams to aspiration to breeding mermaids. Amazing friendship. For some reason I don’t seem to be able to do that with my friends in SA. It’s just.. different.
I love talking to them. Always make me feel that I’ve understand some aspect of life better, or have taken in a new perspective of life.
The simple joy.
I feel so lost right now. No motivation, nothing to fight for, nothing to look forward to, and the list goes on. I keep trying to put a smile on my face, but it’s getting harder and harder to do so. Things and statements that I used to brush off laughing are hurting me more right now. I don’t know I just don’t see the point in doing anything anymore. Even watching/playing football gives me less joy than it used to, sometimes it even vex me out more.
I feel like a balloon on the verge of overstretching. All these emotions I kept bottled up are threatening to escape every time something gets under my skin. All I’m hoping is that I don’t breakdown into tears when I’m in school or on public transport. Please don’t.
It’s so difficult to be happy these few weeks. I kept trying, but now I feel like giving up.
